A Quiet House

I wrote a year ago about our older child flying the nest to University, and now our younger child has followed.  It feels strange.  Quiet.  Not the devastation I anticipated, but definitely disorientating.  I have spoken to lots of friends and family about this over the last year and the range of reactions has been as different as the personalities involved; some are excited about this new chapter, many are sad, but they all share one response - which is that this change signals a fairly dramatic reset.  Here are the ups and downs from my perspective:

Ups:

The kids’ new journey can be your new journey.  Suddenly there are choices in every aspect of life which haven’t been considered until now.  Our youngest asked - with a little anxiety - just before University if we were going to sell the house.  I was touched that he had thought about it and that it bothered him - and we’re not going to.  But we could.

Downs:

There is a straightforward sense of loss.  Your identity has to adapt and if you want to do the kids a favour, you allow them to grow and develop away from you.  This isn’t an easy transition; they have naturally turned to you for all of their needs.  I miss them and I miss the fact that they don’t need me as much.  Which is exactly as it should be.

Ups:

You have to relearn a relationship with your significant other; this can be intriguing - you have the time and space to simultaneously revisit what drew you together in the first place and consider new possibilities with a sense of freedom not considered for a very long time.

Downs:

You have to relearn a relationship with your significant other!  This can be a challenge after twenty years of ducking and diving - where managing the children’s needs, working and keeping the household show on the road is an achievement.

Ups:

If your offspring are happy and excited about their new adventures, it is a source of quiet pleasure and a teensy bit of pride.  Hopefully you have helped them make good choices.  Knowing their choices are working well significantly offsets the sadness at seeing your family unit - and all that has been familiar and comforting - change.

Downs:

Shared excitement for your child doesn’t stop you feeling slightly jealous of their next phase.  How many of us would love to recapture that sense of anticipation and freedom? - and the chance to do a much better job the second time around.

Ups:

Weirdly - and genuinely surprisingly - is the fact that Big C and I seem to be better off.  Whilst we are still contributing to their maintenance, the absence of two young adults from our previous household of four has significantly brought down costs.  We are no longer paying for any of their activities, clothes, haircuts, and socialising.  Our food bill has gone down by about seventy percent and the house is using far less energy and water.  Big C and I have been able to go out for drinks and the odd meal with change leftover.  It’s a lovely bonus.

Downs:

The kids still cost a fortune when they come home, and seem to forget all that they have learned as soon as they cross the threshold.  Lights are left on, we trip over devices which are hot with overuse.  The cupboards, fridge and freezer are rapidly emptied and a casual ‘can you lend me thirty quid?’ is a question asked too frequently.

Ups:

One of the greatest joys for me recently has been reconnecting with past friends and acquaintances.  Many relationships have been kept on the back burner for years, but having to be absent from significant birthday celebrations because your little ones were ill or childcare proved impossible on that date, or simply not having the time or finances to meet up with anyone has been the default for twenty years.  There is something joyfully hilarious about reconnecting with student flatmates - with all their feral and brutally honest memories.

Downs:

Loneliness - particularly when you have grown up in a large family - is a new and discomforting experience.  Of course there is more opportunity to socialise with friends, but there is something reassuring about retaining your own space at home whilst there is a hum of other humanity around you.  I like the quiet and space for my own thoughts, but my sister said she misses the energy no longer surrounding her.  I think that’s the best way to put it.

Ups:

I have enjoyed the house being cleaner and tidier.  Contrary to popular myth, my experience is that people who work in creative arts actually prefer functioning in organised, uncluttered spaces.  Personally, I find it difficult to write words or learn scores if the kitchen is filthy or I am tripping over shoes in the hall.  Perhaps that makes me a bit sad.

Downs:

The house is a shithole when the kids are home.  Well actually it’s not that bad really - but there is no doubt that returning to the family abode brings out the child in them and they suddenly ‘forget’ to pick up dirty washing from the floor, need to be reminded that an infestation of flies will appear if they don’t wipe surfaces and that there is no excuse whatsoever for not flushing the loo.

Ups:

There really are opportunities to explore new work and projects.  That may require some contemplation; for a couple of decades the brain has probably not been wired for projects that don’t produce at least some income or ‘fit round the children.’  I have always coached on holiday music courses - I love them - but being able to bring my children along absolutely made them more attractive.  Now I don’t have to consider that, and there are a thousand other no-need-to-justify things to do; cataloguing my records, hundreds of books to read, films to watch, and about a million pieces of music to explore.

Downs:

The acceptance - at middle age - that new projects and work may not be either possible or desirable.  It is literally true that if you are a middling years female, you are considered less of an asset (yes I know it’s ridiculous but it’s absolutely a thing).  Trying to generate more work can be draining and it may be that secretly you can’t be arsed.  But not doing so when your life is now supposedly ‘full of possibilities’ might seem boring to the outside world.  Acceptance of either being unable or unwilling to start new projects requires a degree of mental strength and self assuredness.

Ups:

You have more time.  Slow mornings, the ability to visit the gym on the way back from work because you haven’t got to rush back for a children’s taxi service.  You can experiment with new recipes, finish that book in an afternoon.  You can watch ‘On the Waterfront’ on iPlayer at a strange time - because it’s been on your ‘to watch’ list for ages.  You can go to bed later, knowing that the odd tired day isn’t going to make you feel nauseous with exhaustion.  You can think and daydream.

Downs:

You have more time.  It stretches out in front of you and thought is required to plan it.  Or not.  It can feel intimidating, guilt inducing or just boring.  You can of course be more spontaneous - but doing what?  Managing time is a different problem once the children aren’t around.  A first world one, but a hurdle nevertheless.  If you get it right though, then this is a new, liberating change that is worth making the most of before other life hurdles come along.  And that’s a lucky place to be.

Uplifting music of the day:  ‘Bella di Papa’ - Sara d’Ippolito Reichert and performed by the guitarist An Tran.  Not all uplifting music has to be loud and fast of course, and this gorgeous track is a huge breathing out moment.  I don’t very often mention albums I’ve reviewed - I have to be careful with the timing apart from anything else.  But this one really is special.

Contemplative music of the day:  ‘Find You Again’ by Juan Erena and also performed by An Tran.  This was one of several tracks on the album I kept playing over and over.  With a longish introduction, once the main tune kicks in it is difficult to do anything other than stop and listen.

Book:  In my occasional mentions of books I wanted to point out an author I hadn’t read for ages.  ‘The Various Haunts of Men’ by Susan Hill features all of her traits; a slightly cosy domestic style of writing, a page turner, but also unflinching in exploring some of humankind’s darker characteristics.  I read two more of her books in quick succession after this.