Instinctively Ours

I’ve had to do some rather tedious paperwork recently, which meant going back through some old files containing - amongst other things - primary school reports.  I looked through these with anticipated discomfort - believing they would reiterate impressions I had of my younger years.  They would repeat the story I had retold myself - namely that I was slightly annoying, mostly lazy and adults would have preferred I wasn’t around.  Instead, the picture was more complex, nuanced and actually - a little kinder.  Of course this wasn’t the first time I’d read them, and whilst recall of the results was fairly accurate, the accompanying comments displayed a greater, in-depth set of observations which - apart from renewing my admiration for primary school teachers - showed a display of carefully observed thought and comment.  We went to a large, Catholic primary school in West London - and the size of it meant that we were assessed by quite a lot of specialist teachers.  What would today be considered luxuries (like a full-time music teacher) were taken for granted - as were all  accompanying extra-curricular activities.  But the most striking thing of all was the consistency in my interests, from roughly the age of five onwards.  Clear front runners in aptitude were music, English and reading, history and art - the first three of which were taken at A level.  Consistency was also shown in the weaker subjects - including maths and science - where the general consensus was ‘doesn’t like these’ - and 'gives up far too easily.’  Or words to that effect.  The point however is how strongly traits displayed themselves from such a young age.  I have noticed this with my own children - where from the age of about three their characters and instincts clearly started to emerge.

Instinct doesn’t necessarily mean permanent, long term passions of course - but it nearly always means consistent reaction to certain situations, characteristics, a sense of knowing deep down whether something feels right or not.  Enthusiastic participation in sport for example may not necessarily produce a top level sports competitor, but it might indicate a child who likes competition, outdoor activities, or possesses straightforward ambition.  Likewise reactions to pieces of music, colours, books or puzzles.  I am currently listening to a Jacob Collier album, which - given its awesomeness - is fairly unwise.  It keeps stopping me in my tracks - which my mother tells me me is the way I have been reacting since I was two years old.  I have had to learn to tune out background music, otherwise I would get nothing done - ever.  Besides there is quite a lot of stuff that needs tuning out.  But the point is, my response at the very deepest level is instinctive.  I can’t help it, and neither can anyone else with their unique responses to art, sport, nature, science, whatever.  I am constantly struck by the weirdly demanding jobs people want to do.  Take catering for example; I have lost count of the amount of chefs who say they were so passionate about cooking that they were able to work hundred hour weeks, doing nothing but chopping onions for the first five years of their careers or whatever.  This seems astonishing; the urge to create beautiful food is so strong that literally nothing else matters.  How many people would be prepared to stick at that for longer than say a week?  For them, their instinct is speaking so loudly that pretty much everything else is obliterated.  This is not to be scoffed at - thank heaven such people exist.  We need to thank our lucky stars that children aspire to being cooks, doctors, dentists, teachers, farmers and scientists, their passions are clearly speaking to them and they have the wherewithal to see it through.

Instinct can also of course keep us out of danger or something toxic.  I have never regretted trusting my instincts with my children; whether that is popping into their room on a whim to see one of them lying on their back vomiting, or simply not letting them on a trip because I didn’t trust one of the adults there.  I have known when a job is wrong; I remember going for an audition once and the second I arrived and put my foot on the tarmac, knowing that I wasn’t going to be asked back.  It would have saved time simply turning round and driving home again.  Our instincts can be spookily accurate and incredibly wise.  Although naturally bossy, I’m not always comfortable giving advice; the danger of being catastrophically wrong is always there and mostly people learn much better from their own mistakes anyway.  But listening to your instincts is probably the one thing I would freely repeat.  We all know our instincts are right.  Too many times I have ignored them and paid the price - whether it’s been with a job, a relationship or an outfit.  Once the mistake is realised the self-evaluation is exactly the same; ‘why didn’t I listen to myself?’  There are good reasons of course - sometimes you have to take that job or wear that outfit - or you don’t know yet that your discomfort isn’t just down to inexperience or nerves.  But at a profound level we know ourselves much better than we think we do.  The great neurologist and writer Oliver Sacks referred to human beings - particularly under the age of four - as being geniuses.  He was specifically referring to our capacity to absorb and understand language but I don’t think he ever stopped being amazed by our instincts, abilities and potential.   

He is right of course - and if anything the degree of wonderment about human beings and their gifts grows with age.  And now I’m going to listen to someone else’s gifts, stop ignoring myself and give that Jacob Collier album my full attention.

Uplifting and contemplative music of the day:  Perhaps cheating a little here, but I love the ‘Djesse Vol.4’ album by Jacob Collier.  Why cheating?  Well, because this album pretty much covers all bases.  Sometimes when listening to his music, I can’t help thinking he’s listened to exactly the same things I have.  Or perhaps it’s his Mum’s record collection - I don’t know.  But apart from the international influences (Latin, Indian etc), I can clearly hear ‘Take 6’ in there, Quincy’s and Trevor Horn’s influences and even hints of Holst, Vangelis, 10cc and the 1980s Yes ‘90125’ album.  I love it.  I guess if pushed I would say the prettiest track for me is ‘Little Blue’ - but honestly it feels wrong to pick one out.  Just listen to the whole thing; he simply has impeccable taste, and of course a phenomenal ear.

Book:  ‘The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat’ - by Oliver Sacks.  The earlier reference to this writer and neurologist was actually referring to a different book about language.  But this one was the first of his I read and is just so interesting.  If you want an insight into the astonishing feats of the brain and mind, then this is simply a brilliant book.