Empty Nest

I have been researching for an article about higher education in the UK, and it makes for rather depressing reading.  On the face of it, governments can seize on our university growth as being a great success story; student entries have gone up enormously in the last thirty years (since the abandonment of the title ‘polytechnic’) and numbers of young adults going into higher education are now at fifty percent - as opposed to between eight and nineteen percent when I was at music college.  Unfortunately, in many cases the value of these further studies are at best questionable and at worst pointless.  It has led to some deep thinking on my part about the next phase for our kids; like most parents I want to encourage them to go where there heart takes them, but if that means university, for the first time in my life I am doubting whether it is worth it.  These kinds of conversations often happen around parents with children of teenagers, and because I am an aunt also, I am interested as to how this affects my nieces and nephews as well as my own offspring - and the conversation invariably ends up at money.

It would be ridiculous not to mention the cost of higher education; the state no longer steps in and I am sick of writing about the lack of funding in education generally and music particularly.  We all know that if students study for a degree, they are going to be left with debt - probably for life - because projected salaries for graduates have diminished whilst the cost of living has gone up.  That said, one of the good things about the loan system is the fact that it is effectively a graduate tax; students won’t start paying it until they reach a certain pay grade and it doesn’t prevent them taking on other loans - such as mortgages.  With that in mind, I am currently slightly more in favour of my kids going to university than not - provided the courses are of high quality - whatever that means.  Those of us who have been privileged enough to have graduated will say that gaining a degree was only a small part of the personal growth from studying post-eighteen.  At its best, being a young adult student is the perfect stepping stone between childhood and adulthood; minds are opened, new cultures, potential travel and tastes can be part of the mix.  Then of course there are the practical skills learned from sharing living spaces with those who are not family, learning to take initiatives, managing household and personal affairs and so forth.

Managing household and living generally is however a troubling part of this equation which as a Mum I cannot lie about; I’m not ready for it.  Try as I might to stay neutral when discussing such matters I’m just not quite able to be happy about the thought of my children leaving home.  Our oldest is seventeen and could enter the world of studenthood in eighteen months.  I have found myself encouraging him to look at local courses which - if I’m honest - are partly because I love our little family unit of four and I don’t like the thought of our house being too quiet.  It’s not the first time I’ve felt like this and a part of me is so embarrassed that I’ve avoided mentioning it until now.  But the fact is, when our youngest went to school I felt a bewildering sort of emptiness, totally unanticipated.  Prior to this, if others expressed similar sentiments, I inwardly scoffed, thinking ‘go and get a life - it’s not good for you or your children to live through them.’  But it is only honest to say that living through them is exactly what I did when they were little, and now, having got used to the school phase, in less than two years I’m going to have to train myself to deal with this life change all over again.

I recognise that not everyone feels this way (my mother definitely didn’t) and the shock of being one of those (insert derogatory term) types of mothers has surprised me probably more than anyone else.  I have interesting and creative work on an almost daily basis, but there is no disguising the vacant disorientation that I had when the children started school - and the realisation that - once again - I’m going to have to adapt quickly.  There are some good bits of course; I love change and adventure and am already enjoying slightly more civilised company with two almost-adults who have different interests and are taller, fitter and stronger than me.  Watching your children grow and mature is always interesting, Big C and I will be freer to travel away from the school holidays and - in theory at least - may have a little more disposal income.  The last part of that sentence however probably isn’t true.  The UK culture and economy is changing so rapidly that the expectations my generation had are absolutely not those of my children.  These have no doubt been discussed in thousands of families; the young are far less likely to move away from home now because of finance - or lack of it.  Parents currently have little expectation of children becoming economically secure before the age of about thirty - in total contrast to the assumptions of the silent generation (my parents' generation), whose offspring (my generation) were expected to be financially independent when they were barely out of childhood.

But as a parent, I can’t pretend to be wringing my hands about this.  Of course there will be some children straining at the leash to be free of their parents (I was), but I hope and think now that children have less need to escape.  My peers have tried hard to be kinder and more child-centred, more liberal and less shockable.  I sense that the young aren’t as keen to kick their heels - possibly because they’re more spoilt than we were, possibly because they’re happier and more secure or perhaps they’re simply realistic about the fact that financial independence is a long way off.  Whatever, it looks as if they’re going to be with us for a good while longer.  And I’m in no hurry at all.

Uplifting music of the day: - ‘Bamboleo’ by the Gipsy Kings.  I know this piece has probably been played to death - especially whenever anyone mentions continental holidays, but it doesn’t stop it being a great song from a great album.  I saw this band at Wembley arena decades ago and they were the real deal.  They looked cool as well.

Contemplative music of the day: - Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber.  Another piece I got to know really well as a student which has probably been overplayed.  It is awesome though.  Best listened to in a darkened room with no distractions; choose whichever version you like.